Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 1 Transferred

The Count Vicegrim LettersThe Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 15th Year


I would like to congratulate you on your transfer to my department and coming under my superior leadership. Few are privileged to be shown the path of darkness by one as accomplished as I am. You must feel so honored.

A little about me. I have a long and stunning history of outstanding tempting accomplishments. With this letter, I am including a copy of my autobiography, To Hell and Back Again: A Tempter’s Story. I expect you to read it immediately and follow my fine example. In my story you will find a recurring theme that I would like to remind you of. Keep the vermin away from the Enemy’s son. Do not allow them to talk about, consider, or even think of the son. Sometimes such conversation can be managed. More often, it ends in disaster!

Before moving on, I would like to review why you were transferred to me. It was rather sudden, though looking at the severity of the risk, this transfer wasn’t a moment too soon. It seems that your patient, a sixteen year old vermin male, has been labelled as High Risk by the Enemy Reconnaissance Unit.

Normally, when a new High Risk is found, the previous tempter is taken off the case and a more experienced tempter is found. Unfortunately, all of the best demons are tied up with other cases right now, so we will have to make do with you. Don’t be alarmed, I will walk you through this and I promise that no matter how this goes, I will be fine.

One asset you do bring is that you have been with the patient since birth. You know his history well. I would like you to prepare a thorough report of his history and send that to me at your convenience (by that, I mean I expect it on my desk tomorrow). We cannot let another High Risk loose on the world. Ever since the Ravi Zacharias disaster, the lowerarchy has been very keen on High Risks being managed.

Don’t be too alarmed that the ERU has listed your patient as high risk. Keep in mind that they only identified two of thirteen Apostles and failed to identify Martin Luther, John Newton (who was listed as extremely quite very low risk), Charles Spurgeon, and Billy Graham. Of course they will make excuses about how difficult the prediction process is and how wily the Enemy is. Those scouts (don’t tell them I called them that) couldn’t tell a kitten from a lion.

To be clear, you should be concerned. Your patient has one of the highest risk scores I have ever seen. The scouts sure think that he is a problem that needs to be dealt with. You may not know that there are certain incentives to being the tempter for a High Risk patient. If you succeed, you will be handsomely rewarded. Should you fail, well, I’m sure you can imagine the unpleasant consequences of that. So let’s get down to business.

I read over your annual report and I would rate your tempting as marginal.

What You Did that Was At Least Average

You have done a passable job of getting your patient away from some of the riskiest influences. Getting him heavily involved in sports was helpful as well. I have good intelligence from his coach’s tempter. He does a quite a job of both getting performance and dehumanizing all at the same time. Nothing cements a good vice like winning a football game with it (why do those vermin like football so much!).

It was very nearly thoughtful of you to arrange for your patient to mix with a crowd that vocally dislike church. It is so important to present church services as boring and useless. The only thing better than a vermin outside a church is a vermin who is in a church and hates it. I could sense your satisfaction as he sat not listening several Sundays in a row. This is risky and requires subtlety, but more on that later.

While it was tardy of you to not introduce pornography to him until this year, it is good that you have gotten it in. I don’t want to hear your excuses about the patient’s mother. It is your job to get those images into this home. As it is, you say he is being left home alone more often. Make sure this keeps happening. These are key to shape his sexuality (vermin sexuality makes me want to vomit!). Be careful that he is not found out. It could be disastrous if his parents knew.

Now for a few things that did not go so well.

Your Screwups!

Why did it take so long for you to get this vermin grub exposed to pornography?! We need to take the initiative on this and be the ones teaching about sexuality not waiting for him to hear something in church!!! As it is, he may have ingested some of the Enemy’s teaching. You have blown a very important opportunity by waiting this long.

But with that failure, don’t be too aggressive to make up for it. You must slowly and gently teach him how to look and enjoy this while not getting caught. It is key that he becomes good at deception. You don’t want so much exposure that his conscience overcomes his desire for those images (the human form is so disgusting, I’m glad you have to look at it and not me!). As it is, this can be the seeds of a double-life which I’m sure you can see can be endlessly enjoyable…for us!

Your report indicated that you are trying to get the boy to quit church. DO NOT TRY TO GET THAT BOY OUT OF CHURCH!!! It may seem counterintuative but it is key that you do not alert his family or local church leaders that he is drifting from them. They need to believe that everything he is experiencing is “normal” and that “things are OK.” If they ever suspected that he holds church in the contempt that he does, then they might act to help him. He must stay in church and be bored of it. Church needs to be irrelevant. It is your responsibility to make it that way.

You suggested encouraging a sexual relationship with a new love interest. Because he is in a more conservative family, deal carefully with having sex with another vermin. It can both serve us and work against us. It might alert his family of how far he is drifting if they discover it. It also could deeply root the double life we want in him. Be cautious and look for a good opportunity. Your report didn’t clarify if the parents are cautious with his dating. Clarify it NOW!

Do This or Else!

I am sending a copy of the book Tempting the Modern Human with Sexuality (5th Edition) by the Lord Screwtape. I expect you to read it cover to cover and to follow the plan inside to the letter. Lord Screwtape is a moron, but he can write a good book. For a young vermin like your patient, a quiet sexual perversion is often the way to neutralize him. Read that book and write me immediately upon completion.

Work closely with the demons of his parents and church leaders to make sure they do not see how far he is drifting. Set a strong sense of what is the patient’s private business with the whole family. Work with your patient so that he has practiced that excuse for his behavior so that he can use it at need. “Give me some privacy.” “Stop invading my space.” “I can handle this.” “Why can’t you just trust me with this?” All of these lines are good ones to through adults off his trail. Make sure he is ready for their rude questions.

Remember that none of this matters if you don’t keep away the Enemy’s Son. Remember the maxim, Anything that is not for the Enemy is for usThe more powerful the pleasure they love without the Enemy in mind, the better they will squirm under our thumbs. It is key that the Enemy’s stated feelings for them are never made clear. It is OK for them to say, “Jesus loves me” as long as they don’t really believe it. It is your job to keep your patient from believing.

You are a failure waiting to happen, but maybe I can make something of you.

Count Vicegrim

Image created by Cavin and used with permission