Recently, I have been experiencing the whiplash of the soul. During the last two weeks I have felt sad and tempted. Like every vice in my heart was given fresh power to overcome me. Within hours I will feel full of desire to be with Jesus. Every moment I speak with him and read of him is water to my parched soul.
I suspect that both realities are the same condition with God providing grace. My dry soul is relieved by his grace only to be dry again within hours, needing more grace. Maybe the very temptation I am experiencing is a new opportunity to drink deeply from my Father.
How can I wake up one morning and feel alive and revived by Jesus and by noon I am fighting hard not to stare at the girl walking by my cubicle at work? Why is the temptation so strong even while the joy in Jesus is so deep?
One factor may be that my sweet moments with the Holy Spirit are making my conscience more sensitive to “the sin that so easily entangles” me. I fear losing those moments and this makes me more afraid of my sin. Additionally, maybe the dryness I feel is me knowing more deeply how desperate I am for God. I don’t need him weekly or even daily, but I need him every hour and every minute.
It’s strange to think of grace being enough to deeply satisfy for this minute, but only for this minute. I need to go back to my Father and ask for more delight in the next minute as well. It is a sweet dependence, but one that takes a constant reminder to go back to him.
I wish I had all the answers on this one. How is it that I feel both very strong and very weak within the same day? I’m not really sure. God knows and he loves me.
That’s enough for this minute anyway.