Home » Count Vicegrim's Letters » Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 8 Marriage

Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 8 Marriage

The Count Vicegrim LettersThe Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 22nd Year

Mudpot,

No, No, No! Why is it that every day you keep trying to crush your patient in a single stroke? That technique has gone through extensive testing and found to be risky at best. Crushing your victim with temptation only works if they don’t turn to the Enemy for help. As it is, your patient is primed to do just that. Calm down, slow down, and be ready for the long game.

An old mentor of mine once told me, “Vicegrim, outlast your vermin. If they win today, make them win a thousand tomorrows and you have a real chance of getting them.” This is excellent advice for you Mudpot and I am giving it to you despite how repulsed I am by you. Please do not interpret this as fatherly affection. It’s not.

Well, not that my system is cleared a bit, on to your review.

The Good

There is precious little that went well this year. The only positive development is that you have gotten him into one of our most promising seminaries. We have worked for centuries to infiltrate the seminaries as they are key battlegrounds for us. This was working well until several churches started opening their own. It is easier to corrupt an ongoing institution than it is to destroy these upstart seminaries.

One of the strange qualities of the vermin is their ability to compartmentalize. They can honestly go to a school for teaching their pastors and then not be that interested in the church. As if education about the Enemy has nothing to do with relationship with other vermin. The Enemy is crafty, but I think he may have gotten a little to artistic when he built the vermin that way.

Fortunately for us, your patient is willing go to one of our institutions. We have worked hard at this school to emphasize “helping people” to the point that they don’t care that much about the Enemy’s Book. Remember the five Anything Buts, we have really gotten them so obsessed with “loving people” (by that I mean, not making people angry) that they are afraid to challenge sin. It really is so delightful to watch the mental gymnastics the staff goes through to even pretend they are honoring the Enemy’s teaching.

That said Mudpot, be careful. The Enemy’s Spirit is very, very subtle. There are still classes on the Enemy’s Book and verses on the walls. This is treacherous territory. You never know when the Enemy’s Spirit will spring a new trap for you. Be vigilant.

The Bad

As I mentioned in my last annual review, almost every tempter in the world can pull off getting their vermin to fornicate. Seriously, much better the 90%. Yet here we are, just a few weeks before your patient’s wedding and he has still not fornicated. Mudpot, I may roast you for this.

It’s NOT HARD. You get the female to wear something revealing. You get the male to think he is strong enough to be alone with her. You put them in a private place and let hormones do their thing. Many tempters don’t even need to tempt. They just wait and watch. This works Mudpot! I have seen terrible tempters pull this minimal requirement off. What kind of lazy, fat, putrid, ineffective, vermin loving, moron are you!!!

I….I….I’m speechless. How am I ever going to become a Lord again if you…

I have taken a short break from writing. My secretary, Vice-Count Penwort, will be writing the rest as I dictate. It seems in my rage I have turned myself into a roach and I am in no mood to change back.

Let me summarize by saying that if (I mean when) this goes badly and I am blamed for your incompetence, I will personally rip your into little pieces and burn them in my fireplace. You are an idiot and you’re taking me down with you.

We need to prepare for his upcoming wedding. It is likely too late, but anything you can do to derail this wedding, do it. She is too solid in the Enemy’s camp (I checked with her tempter) and she will be an asset to your patient against us. How could you let this happen?

So we need to be prepared for him to be married. Because they have not fornicated, you will need to change your focus. As soon as they are married, we need to do whatever it takes to prevent sexual relations. The Enemy has built into the vermin a special and deep bond that develops between sexual pairs (pardon me while I vomit). This bond can be deepened between them should they enjoy sex with each other. So if you can prevent sexual encounters, do it.

But what can be more fruitful than preventing sex is to poison it. This is dangerous territory Mudpot, but we must go there. We must make his sexual relationship with his wife like the one he has with those pornographic images. Make it solely for his enjoyment. If both partners can be solely pursuing their own enjoyment, we can poison it and make sure that neither enjoy it.

Generally, the male is the key. They are more easily persuaded to be  self-centered. One good trick to try is to get him to try to get the female to do those ridiculous things that he learned in the pornographic images. Help him to feel entitled to sexual enjoyments that she does not enjoy. Make sex as burdensome for the female as possible. This can be a spike to drive between them.

It is key that he never suspects that the pornography is not normal. A cursory review of the sexual literature that the humans have would show him that the pornography was extreme in every way. Don’t ever let him suspect it or he may discover what a fool he is.

Finally, make sex a right. There is a verse in the Enemy’s book that says that married vermin should have regular sex. Make sure he interprets that to mean that they will have sex whenever he wants. Make sure he ignores the verses about serving and loving her. If you can do this, sex will become a chore for the female very quickly.

By the way, if I didn’t have enough reasons to despise you, how is it that your patient is not using pornography any more. Again, every other tempter on the planet seems to pull this off except for you. There are a growing number of tempters with female patients who are succeeding where you are failing. You really are my punishment from the Enemy. As if the Hell he threatens isn’t frightening enough, I have to deal with you in the mean time.

You have been fostering a fear of commitment and responsibility for many years. Make sure to  extend this to being a terror at the idea of having infant vermin. Separate sex and reproduction from each other as if they are wholly unrelated. I have seen males paralyzed with fear and sadness over the prospect of an infant they created. Their tempters were so effective at separating sex and infants that the males are honestly surprised and afraid. Make this happen with your patient.

The other main area to focus on is degrading trust between them. Of course, the best way to do this is to make him untrustworthy. But even if he is acting honorably in most situations, make sure they have miscommunications that are interpreted as lacking trust. Sometimes it is good enough to simply have the appearance of distrust. Drive a wedge between them and slowly expand. Hear me now, I mean do it very slowly.

Mudpot, be patient. Though it looks dark today, it is only through patience that this High Risk will be brought under control. I feel pretty hopeless right now but when I think long and hard about what you can do if you will just be patient….

Nevermind. It is hopeless.

-Count Vicegrim

Image created by Cavin and used with permission

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