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To the Mole in My Backyard

moleDear Mole,

I was cleaning my yard yesterday and I noted an unwelcome sight. On the northern side of my yard, beside the fence, there are two mounds of soft brown earth. Clearly you have been working your nefarious deeds in my yard.

Now I understand you selecting me as your target. You clearly have done your research and have been looking for a weak target for your subterranean exploits. You scouted for a homeowner who lacks the skill, wisdom, or desire to stop you. Well you found him. I do lack the strength or desire to drive you from the northeastern corner of my property. You may feel you have won even before you started.

A mole of your obvious skill and foresight should also be aware that while I lack the ability to kill you or starve you out of my yard, that does not mean I am helpless. You must respect what careful planning and a well selected attack can do. Of all creatures, you must respect that.

So consider this letter the first volley in a war that you cannot hope to win. I may not be able to drive you from my yard, but I can make you the most infamous mole in history. My strengths do not lie in a passion for my yard, but in the power of the written word.

Imagine this for a moment. You arrive at one of your mole parties where you eat grubs and discuss the yards you have conquered. As you look around the room, you see many moles turning their backs on you. After they heard that rumor that you had made friends with a cat and may have been using the cat to eliminate your enemies, you may be less popular. Soon mole fathers won’t want you dating their daughters. You will be isolated from every mole in the area.

Sure, you can pretend you are a loner who does not need the company of another mole, but I know you better. Your little rodent heart quakes at the thought of my great rhetorical powers being expended on you. You know that every mole in a yard with wifi will be following this blog, wondering if these creepy rumors about you are true.

Speaking of rumors, I heard that you once turned on a waterhose and flooded the hole of another mole who offended you.

You see how easy it is for me. You see how all I have to do is suggest you did it and you must then spend hours and days telling your version of event. It sounds messy. What if there were a more equitable solutions?

I would be willing to keep all of your indiscretions to myself if you would simply leave my yard alone. That’s it. Just move your furry rodent butt out of my yard and we can go on with our lives. Understandably, you thought my yard was easy pickings. Now that you see the cost, I’m sure you can find someone else’s yard to dig your filthy tunnels in.

Thank you in advance for accepting this offer. I think you are a wise mole to bring your little dirty mounds somewhere else.

Respectfully,

-Chip

Photo by J Marsh and used with permission

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