Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 12 The Infernal Spirit

The Count Vicegrim LettersThe Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 26th Year

You absolute buffoon,

How many times have I warned you about how crafty the Enemy’s Spirit is? He is crafty and dangerous. Never, ever underestimate him. He is silent, invisible, tireless, and unbending. We have searched for ages for ways to prevent his interference and we are convinced that to this very day he is silently looking into the pits of hell watching our every move.

He is watching me write this letter Mudpot.

You will never surprise him and you will never overpower him. You will never see him or hear him. You will never know what he is doing until he makes his move and now he is moving on you Mudpot!

On to your review.

The Good

Sure you have created cracks in the marriage and are encouraging his relationship with his secretary. But that doesn’t really count if he starts repenting.

I don’t feel like complimenting you today.

The Bad

So, let me get this right. You were relaxed and cocky. You assumed that you had everything under control and that even the Enemy’s Spirit couldn’t stop you from continuing the slow spiral.

Then he moved and you were caught off guard.

You see, it was no accident that the other pastor saw your patient’s web history. It was no accident that he brought it to the Senior Pastor and that they together confronted your patient. Nor was it an accident that they approached with firmness and grace to your patient. Finally, it was no accident that the Enemy’s Spirit moved your patient to repentance on the spot and that he was then moved to discuss his depression and pornography use with his wife.

You were set up by the Enemy’s Spirit.

I told you that pastor was dangerous. He is so attuned to the Enemy that he often moved to do things in coordination with that blasted Spirit. I have put in another request to have him killed but it is expected that the Enemy will block that request yet again.

The only credit I give you in all of this is that he is still hiding his feelings for his secretary and lied to the staff about them. This is a hopeful sign in an otherwise dreadful year.

You see, confession in one area causes humility and that humility can creep throughout your patient’s life into other areas. He may feel like he should confess to his wife that he is fantasizing about other women. That would be a disaster. Don’t let that happen.

So he will be meeting regularly with one of the other pastors for accountability and getting separate counseling. You need to be prepared for this. Both can be dangerous but can be managed with appropriate preparation.

First, you must make him cling to his sin. Remind him of how good it feels and how much he would hate to lose it. Minimize its impact on him.

Second, continuously remind him of the great lies that we have impregnated the broader culture with “Nobody is getting hurt” and “It’s just looking” and “It is none of their business.” Inflame his sense of independence so that he feels no need for other vermin.

Third, encourage little lies to his wife, family, and friend. Even unrelated lies. He needs to have lied recently to others to encourage him to “not tell the whole truth” when it comes time to talk with the other pastor and counselor. Your goal will be to make his sin, “No big deal.” Because you are dealing with someone who went to seminary, it won’t do to simply use common cultural lies. So the Christian Western Culture department has created christian versions of them.

“Judge not lest you be judged” is a wonderful one because it is actually quoting the Enemy’s Book. Sure it’s perverting the meaning, but that makes it all the more satisfying. Make sure that any mention of his sin is “judging” and that anything but praise is “not being accepted.” Another good option is to use the word “legalistic” for anything sinful. We have pushed it to the point that even naming a sin can be “legalistic” and “not about grace.”

One caution about causing your patient pain right now. The Enemy’s Spirit is excellent at taking pain and using it to show your patient that he needs to depend on the Enemy. Suffering is wonderful, but it is also handing our Enemy a weapon to use against us. What you want is complacency and that does not happen when your patient is suffering. Make him comfortable Mudpot, very comfortable.

Finally, be careful as you read these options because you can become overconfident. The Enemy’s Spirit is smarter than you, stronger than you, better informed that you, craftier than you, and he loves to play with us. It is truly sickening.

Be afraid of him.

-Count Vicegrim

Image created by Cavin and used with permission

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Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Prologue

The Count Vicegrim Letters

My dear Vicegrim,

It was good to see you at the Leadership Summit last month. After the Billy Graham incident, I always suspect you will be demoted again. But, alas, you were always one who knew how to work in Lowerarchy to save your own skin.

Recently, a patient has presented in your region who is particularly troubling. He has been rated by the Enemy Reconnaissance Unit has gained some intelligence that this human is a threat. He shows the early stages of being a fine communicator and through recent Angel Watching, we have come to believe that this patient is important to some plan of the Enemy.

The basic profile of this patient is as follows:

Age: 14 Earth Years
Parental Situation: Married, moderately stable bond between them
Prayer: Sporadic
Enemy’s Book Reading: Sporadic
Enemy’s Spirit: Absent (but with reason to believe he is moving)
General Attitude Toward the Spirit: Apathetic
Risk: High

As you can see, this is a fledgling and we would like him stamped out before he has any opportunity to become a threat. Of course, I will have a more thorough briefing on the patient sent to you.

Normally, I would not personally write you to say a single patient is transferring, but this time I have a special interest not in the patient, but in the tempter. You may remember a scandal about 15 years ago when I was smeared in the Demonic Times as having said that the Enemy may actually love the vermin. This ludicrous and wholly unjustified charge was later found to have come from one of my Pages named Mudpot. That slimy corrosive fiend dared to take on a High Lord with a long history of success. To even suggest that I would believe…it’s preposterous!

The Great Lord, of course, saw through Mudpot’s lies and left him in my tender hands to deal with as I saw fit. I then saw fit to keep him as my personal play thing for several months. Unfortunately, he whines and I tired of him after that. He was then reassigned to be a starting tempter and was placed with a newborn patient.

That is, your new patient.

Vicegrim, I won’t lie to you. Mudpot is a trial to be supervising. It was easy enough to deal with him as a Page because I do not allow my Pages to speak. They are there to deliver messages and I expect them to do that silently and quickly.

I normally wouldn’t wish Mudpot on my worst Enemy, but you are close enough to that so I don’t mind sending him to you. As it is, if you succeed in neutering this vermin despite Mudpot, then the Lowerarchy wins (and so do I). If you fail again, I don’t think your Counthood will last another Billy Graham. In that case, you will be demoted, in which case, I win.

You see, this works out well for me either way.

I doubt you can wiggle your way out of this one, Vicegrim. You are resourceful, I’ll give you that, but even you won’t be able to work with someone as inept as Mudpot. I look forward to watching you squirm.

With a deep affection,

High Lord Massgrave

Image created by Cavin and used with permission

Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 10 Graduation

The Count Vicegrim LettersThe Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 24th Year

My Dear Mudpot,

I’m going to regret saying this. I know I will. You are making real progress Mudpot.

Don’t make me regret that.

So lets get to your review.

Successes

I have to say I never expected the success you are having with causing depression in your patient. It seems that he is prone to depression and you have a gift for causing it. In a way, this is a real failure of yours because you waited so long to exploit it. Hopefully you didn’t wait too long.

It is so delightful that you were able to drive him back to pornography in his depression. It is so delightful to see the vermin medicate their pain with sexual images. The short term relief he feels when looking at the images will only drive him deeper into despair. I want to caution you on beating on his conscience too hard. It has the potential to drive him deeper into his depression but it also could drive him to repentance.

It is far better to find a way to burn his conscience out. Try to work our old staple conscience killers like “Nobody’s getting hurt” and “God would want me to be happy.” He is in a culture that sees no problem with pornographic images but scandalizes sexual affairs (I still can’t figure out how the Western Culture Department pulled that off). If we can destroy his conscience, we have almost won.

As he heads to his seminary graduation, it is important that he be driven deeper into a double life. Seminaries are well designed for encouraging a double life and the seminary he attends is even better suited than most. He is intellectually sharp and the faculty is much more interested in a strong theological argument and being culturally savvy than they are in being morally right.

It makes me chuckle as I write this. Mudpot, this is when our job gets fun.

These months leading up to graduation are crucial. If you can get him back into the slow spiral downward now, I suspect you will be able to continue it into whatever church work he has afterward. There is a real opportunity to neuter him.

But the risks are great. Should he be recovered by the Enemy’s Spirit, he will be much more dangerous. He will sympathize with sinners and yet struggle to resist his own sin. A vermin with his potential could be…I don’t want to think about it.

Pull out all the stops to get him to become sexually involved with another female vermin. Your work driving a wedge between him and his wife has been most fruitful. With them having sex less often, there will be more opportunity for temptation. Be ready.

Your work using his depression to drive him into video games, very good. I am more old school than that. Video gaming has never been my favorite temptation. Maybe I need to modernize a bit. Obviously it has been very effective with your patient. He is failing to carry out his responsibilities and then complains when his wife notices and brings it up. You are masterful in guiding him to use words like “controlling” and “nitpicking” and yet he avoids working on the fact that he is lazy. It is lovely to see.

Failures

I am pleased to say that these are fewer than in previous years. They are still serious and need addressing.

Remember that even thought you are having success with overwhelming him, he is still in a seminary and there is still a great deal of the Enemy’s Book around. He is often reading the book and the Enemy’s Spirit can, at any time, use those word to crush you. As much as you can, keep your patient away from the Enemy’s Book.

Additionally, you seem cavalier about the Enemy’s Spirit. He is smarter and much stronger than you are. He is patient and cunning. He is merciless and cruel. He will surprise you and overwhelm you. Be prepared for him. If there is one thing I have learned in my millennia of  work it is that he is never to be underestimated. Be very cautious and vigilant. Watch for his subtle movements and be ready to battle them.

Finally, be very aware that your patient is still claimed by the Enemy. There is nothing you can do to change that. It is not in our power to win him back. There are always plan to find a way to reclaim a vermin that the Enemy has taken, but for now, we cannot do it. The Enemy may have plans for this High Risk that we can’t anticipate.

Overall, your work is good. Don’t screw it up.

-Count Vicegrim

Image created by Cavin and used with permission

Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 9 Sabotage

The Count Vicegrim LettersThe Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 23nd Year

Mudpot,

Stop telling me about the wedding. I know they are grotesque. I get it. The filthy vermin celebrating as two of them begin bonding. That insufferable bond. The Enemy really does unfairly handicap us by creating such an environment for exposing sin and learning to love. If he had any sense of fair play, he would not have created marriage.

What matters much more to me is what things you did at the wedding to start disintegrating relationships. The pressure is so intense on all parties that this is an opportunity to drive life-long wedges into relationships. Normally, it is more difficult with the couple getting married, but you can often build tensions into the relationship with each vermin’s in-laws.

Of course, because you didn’t write about this, I’m sure you didn’t take this opportunity. How typical of you!

On to your review.

Successes

Sometimes, even you trip over a good idea. You have begun to define what “in love” mean to your patient in a most helpful way.

You really have two options. You can define love in terms of only feelings. One is “in love” as being emotionally pleased with the other vermin. One is only “in love” when the feelings and desires are there. Once the feelings are gone, even for a moment, then one is “out of love.” The advantages of this are numerous. It is much easier to justify divorce with this definition of love. One of the great delights of being a tempter is to hear your patient say things like, “God would want me to be happy” as if divorce is the way to one’s happiness.

The other path is to describe love as a choice that is devoid of any feeling. “Love is an action” is often used to describe this. It speaks of love only in terms of commitment and honor. It is much harder to get these couples to divorce but the serious unhappiness they live in is nearly as good. It takes a special kind of denial to say that love does not need any feelings. Of course, the vermin are specially good at being in denial. The fact is, love is both commitment and feelings. It is both definitions at different times. That is why you need to convince your patient that it is either of them (we don’t particularly care which one) so that he will exclude the other one. Sometimes the miserably married Christian does almost as much good for us as the divorced one.

Your choice of having him define “in love” as exclusively a feeling is good. His personality lends itself to this error. Now your work must be to make sure he falls “out of love” as soon as possible. I noted that you mentioned he has a tendency toward depression in your last update. Why haven’t you mentioned this before!? No one is more out of love than a depressed man. More on this later.

One key to making him fall “out of love” is to exploit any native differences of personality between your patient and the female. Work so that both  feel that the differences are all because of bad intentions. With your patient’s existing selfish bent, make sure he is walking in the door and expecting her to care for him. If you can start with that, soon there will be a buffet of delights waiting for you. Moping, complaining, sexless marriage, depression, etc. The list is endless if you can make him wholly entitled to her time and attention.

I was pleased to hear how you have kept his mother as a closer confidante’ than his wife. This is great. Make sure that his wife knows of it and that she embittered by it. If you play this right, he can then be upset with his wife that he “has a good relationship with mom.” Never let him see that this is a sign that he does not trust his wife.

Failures

You have been writing me for this many years and have never once mentioned that your patient is prone to depression. Mudpot, I don’t need to ask for everything. You need to give me valuable information like this. We could have been exploiting this for many years now. I have instructed an associate of mine, Count Peacefail, to offer you some private tutoring on how to appropriate cause and manifest depression. He is one of the subtlest tempters I know with causing despair in the vermin.

I shall briefly review some of the material that Count Peacefail will teach.

The keys to despair are two-fold. First, you must convince your patient that a melancholy feeling is actually a sin in and of itself. As if sadness were wrong. This is obviously foolish because even the Enemy feels sadness and pain, but claims never to sin. This can add to the existing sadness when he is repenting of being sad at all. What is important about that is that he keeps staring inward into his soul and not looking outward at the Enemy. Additionally, he will be busy repenting for how he feels and not about the real cause of his despair (should that cause be sin).

The second key is to search for a cause for his sadness outside of himself. The key to maintaining despair is that he continue feeling that he is the victim of the sadness and has little to do with the cause. This is bolstered significantly if he has believed that sadness itself is a sin. As long as he is looking for who to blame for his despair, he will not look at his own soul to see if he is lacking trust in the Enemy.

What we must avoid, Mudpot, is that he will feel accepted by the Enemy in his despair? That is the path to the Enemy. If he feels accepted he will trust the Enemy and might pray and read the Enemy’s Book. He may find passages where other men and women were deeply distressed and the Enemy rescued them. He might seek real assistance from the church. He might avail himself of the graces that the Enemy provides.

So he must constantly feel that the Enemy is outraged at him. That way, he will always shy away from addressing the Enemy and seeking real help. I will let Peacefail address more specific strategies for your patient.

Overall, I am pleased with your progress this year. Together, we may be able to bring this dangerous patient down.

-Count Vicegrim

Image created by Cavin and used with permission

Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 8 Marriage

The Count Vicegrim LettersThe Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 22nd Year

Mudpot,

No, No, No! Why is it that every day you keep trying to crush your patient in a single stroke? That technique has gone through extensive testing and found to be risky at best. Crushing your victim with temptation only works if they don’t turn to the Enemy for help. As it is, your patient is primed to do just that. Calm down, slow down, and be ready for the long game.

An old mentor of mine once told me, “Vicegrim, outlast your vermin. If they win today, make them win a thousand tomorrows and you have a real chance of getting them.” This is excellent advice for you Mudpot and I am giving it to you despite how repulsed I am by you. Please do not interpret this as fatherly affection. It’s not.

Well, not that my system is cleared a bit, on to your review.

The Good

There is precious little that went well this year. The only positive development is that you have gotten him into one of our most promising seminaries. We have worked for centuries to infiltrate the seminaries as they are key battlegrounds for us. This was working well until several churches started opening their own. It is easier to corrupt an ongoing institution than it is to destroy these upstart seminaries.

One of the strange qualities of the vermin is their ability to compartmentalize. They can honestly go to a school for teaching their pastors and then not be that interested in the church. As if education about the Enemy has nothing to do with relationship with other vermin. The Enemy is crafty, but I think he may have gotten a little to artistic when he built the vermin that way.

Fortunately for us, your patient is willing go to one of our institutions. We have worked hard at this school to emphasize “helping people” to the point that they don’t care that much about the Enemy’s Book. Remember the five Anything Buts, we have really gotten them so obsessed with “loving people” (by that I mean, not making people angry) that they are afraid to challenge sin. It really is so delightful to watch the mental gymnastics the staff goes through to even pretend they are honoring the Enemy’s teaching.

That said Mudpot, be careful. The Enemy’s Spirit is very, very subtle. There are still classes on the Enemy’s Book and verses on the walls. This is treacherous territory. You never know when the Enemy’s Spirit will spring a new trap for you. Be vigilant.

The Bad

As I mentioned in my last annual review, almost every tempter in the world can pull off getting their vermin to fornicate. Seriously, much better the 90%. Yet here we are, just a few weeks before your patient’s wedding and he has still not fornicated. Mudpot, I may roast you for this.

It’s NOT HARD. You get the female to wear something revealing. You get the male to think he is strong enough to be alone with her. You put them in a private place and let hormones do their thing. Many tempters don’t even need to tempt. They just wait and watch. This works Mudpot! I have seen terrible tempters pull this minimal requirement off. What kind of lazy, fat, putrid, ineffective, vermin loving, moron are you!!!

I….I….I’m speechless. How am I ever going to become a Lord again if you…

I have taken a short break from writing. My secretary, Vice-Count Penwort, will be writing the rest as I dictate. It seems in my rage I have turned myself into a roach and I am in no mood to change back.

Let me summarize by saying that if (I mean when) this goes badly and I am blamed for your incompetence, I will personally rip your into little pieces and burn them in my fireplace. You are an idiot and you’re taking me down with you.

We need to prepare for his upcoming wedding. It is likely too late, but anything you can do to derail this wedding, do it. She is too solid in the Enemy’s camp (I checked with her tempter) and she will be an asset to your patient against us. How could you let this happen?

So we need to be prepared for him to be married. Because they have not fornicated, you will need to change your focus. As soon as they are married, we need to do whatever it takes to prevent sexual relations. The Enemy has built into the vermin a special and deep bond that develops between sexual pairs (pardon me while I vomit). This bond can be deepened between them should they enjoy sex with each other. So if you can prevent sexual encounters, do it.

But what can be more fruitful than preventing sex is to poison it. This is dangerous territory Mudpot, but we must go there. We must make his sexual relationship with his wife like the one he has with those pornographic images. Make it solely for his enjoyment. If both partners can be solely pursuing their own enjoyment, we can poison it and make sure that neither enjoy it.

Generally, the male is the key. They are more easily persuaded to be  self-centered. One good trick to try is to get him to try to get the female to do those ridiculous things that he learned in the pornographic images. Help him to feel entitled to sexual enjoyments that she does not enjoy. Make sex as burdensome for the female as possible. This can be a spike to drive between them.

It is key that he never suspects that the pornography is not normal. A cursory review of the sexual literature that the humans have would show him that the pornography was extreme in every way. Don’t ever let him suspect it or he may discover what a fool he is.

Finally, make sex a right. There is a verse in the Enemy’s book that says that married vermin should have regular sex. Make sure he interprets that to mean that they will have sex whenever he wants. Make sure he ignores the verses about serving and loving her. If you can do this, sex will become a chore for the female very quickly.

By the way, if I didn’t have enough reasons to despise you, how is it that your patient is not using pornography any more. Again, every other tempter on the planet seems to pull this off except for you. There are a growing number of tempters with female patients who are succeeding where you are failing. You really are my punishment from the Enemy. As if the Hell he threatens isn’t frightening enough, I have to deal with you in the mean time.

You have been fostering a fear of commitment and responsibility for many years. Make sure to  extend this to being a terror at the idea of having infant vermin. Separate sex and reproduction from each other as if they are wholly unrelated. I have seen males paralyzed with fear and sadness over the prospect of an infant they created. Their tempters were so effective at separating sex and infants that the males are honestly surprised and afraid. Make this happen with your patient.

The other main area to focus on is degrading trust between them. Of course, the best way to do this is to make him untrustworthy. But even if he is acting honorably in most situations, make sure they have miscommunications that are interpreted as lacking trust. Sometimes it is good enough to simply have the appearance of distrust. Drive a wedge between them and slowly expand. Hear me now, I mean do it very slowly.

Mudpot, be patient. Though it looks dark today, it is only through patience that this High Risk will be brought under control. I feel pretty hopeless right now but when I think long and hard about what you can do if you will just be patient….

Nevermind. It is hopeless.

-Count Vicegrim

Image created by Cavin and used with permission

Neutering the Clergy: Foreword by Count Vicegrim

OldBookGenerally, when a fellow Demon of Rank asks me to write in their book, I am reluctant. A demon of my caliber only has time for so many requests while attending my other duties. Many times they are simply looking to add my prestigious reputation to their mediocre work.

So when Lord Blackmist asked me to read his work, I suspected such a request was coming. Much to my surprise, Neutering the Clergy is the most helpful work on taming the pastor problem that I have ever read. Lord Blackmist’s insightful mind and entertaining writing style is really only surpassed by my own.

What I think is most helpful in Neutering the Clergy is his emphasis on the five Anything Buts. Many a demon has been nearsighted in their focus on the sins that they prefer causing in their patients. Lord Blackmist’s focus on the Anything Buts will encourage every demon to simply avoid the Enemy.

It is so easy to forget that the goal is not necessarily to get your patient to sin, but to get them to the brink of Hell and shove them in. The Anything Buts assist us greatly in this endeavor. This is not just a book for the demon of a pastor, it is a book for all tempters everywhere.

If I may steal a little of Lord Blackmist’s thunder, I shall briefly review them.

Anything but the Enemy’s Book

This may seem elementary, but how many demons forget it. With phrases throughout the world that reference back to the Enemy’s book, we need to be vigilant. Phrases like, “Carry your cross” and “God is good” seem harmless enough, but may spark the curiosity of a listener. Even phrases we have entirely co opted like “judge not lest ye be judged” are used for our purposes but carry the real risk of being used by the Enemy’s Spirit.

Even television isn’t wholly safe for us. I was watching an American Football game recently for an academic paper on idolatry when suddenly I see a banner that says, “John 3:16.” Even these insignificant pushes could encourage your patient toward the Enemy. Your vigilance is of utmost importance. Get your patient to go to Anything But the Enemy’s book.

Anything but Faith

Of course I mean faith in the Enemy’s Son. Surely it should be easy to keep your patient away from information about the Enemy which would keep them from ever finding faith. It is not so easy. The vermin have this drive built into them to seek the Enemy. The constant needs their bodies experience that once satisfied, must again be filled. These endless needs point to an endless source. It is one of our most difficult challenges to fill those drives with Anything But faith. The work we have to do to keep them distracted from that gnawing hole in their souls.

Lord Blackmist does a great job of encouraging flexibility. Many a demon is looking to create some crippling addiction that will consume their patient. It is well and good when this works, but most of the time we need to allow them to drift from one distraction to another. This is the difference between success and failure. You will need to learn and practice not only stamping out faith, but stamping our anything that looks like it might resemble faith.

Anything but Grace

If the endless access to faith creating needs were not burdensome enough, the endless supply of his grace filling joys is stunning. The ridiculous supply of needed things like food, clothing, and shelter for those vile creature is enough to drive demon mad. That same supply of fulfillments for their needs is always working against us.

The Grand Canyon, stars, galaxies, trees, rocks, flowers, oceans, life, children, athletes, heroes, hurricanes, peaceful breezes, and a host of other created things all constantly point to a loving creator. The Enemy has really stacked the deck against us. Not only is there that gap in their souls but there is also an endless sea of arrows pointing to the Enemy.

The solution, as Lord Blackmist points out, is self-sufficiency. We need to convince the vermin that there is an endless sea of needs and they are the source to fill them. Of course we know this is patently absurd, but they believe it many times and we need to use that belief. If they want to believe that they are as strong as the Enemy, let them.

Anything but the Enemy’s Son

I remember the day very clearly. I was a younger tempter then, working far from Israel. It was a good time to be a demon. A young page named Wormwood came to me breathlessly with news from the Great Lord. He said that the Enemy had become a human.

I actually nearly stabbed Wormwood through for blasphemy against the spirit world. What vile nonsense? Not even the Enemy would drop to a ploy that base, that foolish. It was only on reading the letter signed by the Great Lord himself that I believed. To this day, I am stunned.

What spirit would ever wish to become that crude meat? The Enemy’s purposes in this are still ambiguous. Surely he has some very subtle ploy he is working out. I have suspected that maybe he pretended to be a person somehow that even fooled us. But I saw him myself. The magnificent and frightening power of the Enemy, wrapped in filthy skin.

While we stand in disbelief, the vermin themselves yawn. It has been effective for centuries to make the Enemy’s son a thing of boredom. While it is delightful to have them speak of him to no effect, it is far better that no one speaks of him. For those of you in the Western World, this is easier. We have made it rude to mention him in most settings. But we need to stamp out any reference to him at all. I don’t simply mean that no one should even use his name in vain. I mean no one uses his name AT ALL!

Victory can be achieved if they want Anything But the Enemy’s son.

Anything but the Enemy’s Glory

Even when we have completely lost, when the vermin turn to the Enemy’s son and believe in him, we still have some hope of neutering them. The Enemy’s Spirit in them will drive them toward slavery to him (albeit, a joyful slavery). We need to sabotage this at every turn. The key place to do this is to represent the Enemy as different than he presents himself.

You see, we don’t really know why he has done so much for the vermin in the world. Obviously, he can’t love them. Every spirit with any sense knows that they are grotesque. But we have been unable to discern his true intent. It is a mystery that the Lowerarchy has struggled with for millenia.

But he does present himself as loving and kind to them which must be part of his deeper plot. In that case, we must present him as Anything But loving, kind, just, and patient. We can make him out to be distant and uncaring. We can present him as harsh and overbearing. Honestly, I don’t care. As long as he is presented and Anything But glorious.

There is an irony in this. We know he really doesn’t love them and thus we are truly exposing the Enemy’s lie to them. I am not often accused of presenting the truth to the vermin, but as long as it works against the Enemy, I can be for it. Even honesty.

Really, we are still lying to them because we don’t know what his motives are. I take comfort in that anyway.

In Summary

While I have focused on the parts that apply to the average vermin, there is a wealth of useful information on how to corrupt even the most resilient of the Enemy’s servants. I even learned a thing or two from reading Neutering the Clergy and that is a high compliment indeed.

-Count Vicegrim

Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 7 Neutering the Clergy

The Count Vicegrim LettersThe Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 21st Year

Mudpot,

Engaged! You let your patient become engaged and yet you have not gotten him to fornicate yet. What am I to do with you Mudpot!? This is a male college student in the Western world. ALL OF THEM FORNICATE…except yours. To be clear, almost all of them fornicate. How is it that millions of tempters are able to pull this off and you can’t? I’m not asking you to get him to renounce the Enemy!

You are an idiot.

I suppose I have to write your review now.

The Acceptable

I see you have further encouraged your patient’s ‘tolerance’. In fact, I even heard from another tempter how helpful your patient was by encouraging a friend to sin by saying, “God would want you to be happy.” This is my personal favorite excuse for sin. As if the sin we encourage will make them happy. Mudpot, you aren’t simply working our ends for your patient, but are making him an evangelist for the destruction of others. Good work.

Keep the tolerance coming. An important area to press this into is ‘religious tolerance’. In centuries past, this meant that the various religious groups didn’t declare war and kill each other. We have so changed it now that it means that tolerance means that one can’t even really believe their religious teaching. If one really looks at their religious text and believes it, that is now intolerant. The religion of the day is that all religions should be nice to each other and that no religion is really right.

Of course, no one really believes that. Not even the vermin. When someone is murdered, suddenly they all believe in right and wrong. When one of them steals from another, no one ever says that they simply have a religious preference about ownership. Like most of our teachings, this would be easy to disprove if the vermin didn’t want to believe it so badly.

His increasing isolation from other children of the Enemy is very helpful. Along with the notion of tolerance, we have added the idea that religious preferences are not just personal, but exclusively personal. So personal, in fact, that to mention them to others is rude. We have been able to drag more of the Enemy’s children out of the church with this than any other tool I can remember. The church, of course, is a place where beliefs are not personal but are subjected to being either true or false. Not a place we want to go.

Mudpot, you need to foster in him the very American belief that he can go it alone. That he needs nothing and no one. He can make up for himself men who did it by themselves without support and conquered their enemies. He needn’t consider that no man has ever done anything without help from others and no man has ever worked against us effectively without the Enemy’s Spirit. Let him believe that accepting help or correction is somehow weakness.

I love how you have gotten him so deeply convinced that the “forgiveness” of the Enemy’s Son is really just a chance for him to do whatever he wants. Fight any notion of guilt or remorse. The Enemy’s Spirit in him will be making him uncomfortable, it is your job to make him complacent. A few good statements to keep him saying are “nobody’s perfect” and “everybody makes mistakes”. These are so glorious for us because they recognize that there is a sin and the fail to do anything about it. I like to call those two statements the Conscience Killers. Use them often Mudpot.

The Totally Unacceptable

He is engaged and not fornicating. Some of the poorest tempters out there can pull this off Mudpot and you can’t. I don’t think you realize the harm this can do to us. If he can avoid fornicating before his marriage he will be much better prepared to avoid adultery after he is married. The patience he is learning will be a very dangerous tool in the Enemy’s hands. Get your patient fornicating!

Convince your patient that if he feels committed that he is “married in God’s eyes”. You see, the vermin really do mix up felt commitment with commitment. None of them would tell their pastor that they were just impatient so we need to equip him with a good excuse.

His plans to go to seminary have been moving forward. This is causing great concern in the Lowerarchy. It is doubtful that you will be able to persuade him to become a plumber, so I think you should focus your energies on getting him into one of our seminaries. You need to use ‘tolerance’ to its full potential now. Guide him to seminaries that are ‘open’ to ‘alternative lifestyles’. If he can come to believe that ‘acceptance’ is the same thing as Love, then we have him.

You see, acceptance is nice. There is no conflict with it. It makes one look enlightened and kind. Love, on the other hand, can often lead to conflict. To truly love someone, the vermin must press them toward the Enemy. This is not very ‘accepting’.

I have included a list of seminaries that will meet our needs. Make sure he gets into one of them. I have also included a copy of the book Neutering the Clergy by Lord Blackmist. It is the best work on how to handle this very dangerous group.

Finally, I would like to emphasize and important section from Neutering the Clergy. It is the five ‘Anything Buts’. If you can get your patient to go for anything but these, we have already won. They are:

Anything but the Enemy’s Book

Anything but Faith

Anything but Grace

Anything but the Enemy’s Son

Anything but the Enemy’s Glory

Work hard to take away these pillars of the Enemy. Review the ‘Anything Buts’ every day and hammer at them. There is hope to neuter him if you do this thoughtfully.

Not that you are good at doing anything thoughtfully.

Count Vicegrim

Image created by Cavin and used with permission