Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Prologue

The Count Vicegrim Letters

My dear Vicegrim,

It was good to see you at the Leadership Summit last month. After the Billy Graham incident, I always suspect you will be demoted again. But, alas, you were always one who knew how to work in Lowerarchy to save your own skin.

Recently, a patient has presented in your region who is particularly troubling. He has been rated by the Enemy Reconnaissance Unit has gained some intelligence that this human is a threat. He shows the early stages of being a fine communicator and through recent Angel Watching, we have come to believe that this patient is important to some plan of the Enemy.

The basic profile of this patient is as follows:

Age: 14 Earth Years
Parental Situation: Married, moderately stable bond between them
Prayer: Sporadic
Enemy’s Book Reading: Sporadic
Enemy’s Spirit: Absent (but with reason to believe he is moving)
General Attitude Toward the Spirit: Apathetic
Risk: High

As you can see, this is a fledgling and we would like him stamped out before he has any opportunity to become a threat. Of course, I will have a more thorough briefing on the patient sent to you.

Normally, I would not personally write you to say a single patient is transferring, but this time I have a special interest not in the patient, but in the tempter. You may remember a scandal about 15 years ago when I was smeared in the Demonic Times as having said that the Enemy may actually love the vermin. This ludicrous and wholly unjustified charge was later found to have come from one of my Pages named Mudpot. That slimy corrosive fiend dared to take on a High Lord with a long history of success. To even suggest that I would believe…it’s preposterous!

The Great Lord, of course, saw through Mudpot’s lies and left him in my tender hands to deal with as I saw fit. I then saw fit to keep him as my personal play thing for several months. Unfortunately, he whines and I tired of him after that. He was then reassigned to be a starting tempter and was placed with a newborn patient.

That is, your new patient.

Vicegrim, I won’t lie to you. Mudpot is a trial to be supervising. It was easy enough to deal with him as a Page because I do not allow my Pages to speak. They are there to deliver messages and I expect them to do that silently and quickly.

I normally wouldn’t wish Mudpot on my worst Enemy, but you are close enough to that so I don’t mind sending him to you. As it is, if you succeed in neutering this vermin despite Mudpot, then the Lowerarchy wins (and so do I). If you fail again, I don’t think your Counthood will last another Billy Graham. In that case, you will be demoted, in which case, I win.

You see, this works out well for me either way.

I doubt you can wiggle your way out of this one, Vicegrim. You are resourceful, I’ll give you that, but even you won’t be able to work with someone as inept as Mudpot. I look forward to watching you squirm.

With a deep affection,

High Lord Massgrave

Image created by Cavin and used with permission

Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 10 Graduation

The Count Vicegrim LettersThe Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 24th Year

My Dear Mudpot,

I’m going to regret saying this. I know I will. You are making real progress Mudpot.

Don’t make me regret that.

So lets get to your review.


I have to say I never expected the success you are having with causing depression in your patient. It seems that he is prone to depression and you have a gift for causing it. In a way, this is a real failure of yours because you waited so long to exploit it. Hopefully you didn’t wait too long.

It is so delightful that you were able to drive him back to pornography in his depression. It is so delightful to see the vermin medicate their pain with sexual images. The short term relief he feels when looking at the images will only drive him deeper into despair. I want to caution you on beating on his conscience too hard. It has the potential to drive him deeper into his depression but it also could drive him to repentance.

It is far better to find a way to burn his conscience out. Try to work our old staple conscience killers like “Nobody’s getting hurt” and “God would want me to be happy.” He is in a culture that sees no problem with pornographic images but scandalizes sexual affairs (I still can’t figure out how the Western Culture Department pulled that off). If we can destroy his conscience, we have almost won.

As he heads to his seminary graduation, it is important that he be driven deeper into a double life. Seminaries are well designed for encouraging a double life and the seminary he attends is even better suited than most. He is intellectually sharp and the faculty is much more interested in a strong theological argument and being culturally savvy than they are in being morally right.

It makes me chuckle as I write this. Mudpot, this is when our job gets fun.

These months leading up to graduation are crucial. If you can get him back into the slow spiral downward now, I suspect you will be able to continue it into whatever church work he has afterward. There is a real opportunity to neuter him.

But the risks are great. Should he be recovered by the Enemy’s Spirit, he will be much more dangerous. He will sympathize with sinners and yet struggle to resist his own sin. A vermin with his potential could be…I don’t want to think about it.

Pull out all the stops to get him to become sexually involved with another female vermin. Your work driving a wedge between him and his wife has been most fruitful. With them having sex less often, there will be more opportunity for temptation. Be ready.

Your work using his depression to drive him into video games, very good. I am more old school than that. Video gaming has never been my favorite temptation. Maybe I need to modernize a bit. Obviously it has been very effective with your patient. He is failing to carry out his responsibilities and then complains when his wife notices and brings it up. You are masterful in guiding him to use words like “controlling” and “nitpicking” and yet he avoids working on the fact that he is lazy. It is lovely to see.


I am pleased to say that these are fewer than in previous years. They are still serious and need addressing.

Remember that even thought you are having success with overwhelming him, he is still in a seminary and there is still a great deal of the Enemy’s Book around. He is often reading the book and the Enemy’s Spirit can, at any time, use those word to crush you. As much as you can, keep your patient away from the Enemy’s Book.

Additionally, you seem cavalier about the Enemy’s Spirit. He is smarter and much stronger than you are. He is patient and cunning. He is merciless and cruel. He will surprise you and overwhelm you. Be prepared for him. If there is one thing I have learned in my millennia of  work it is that he is never to be underestimated. Be very cautious and vigilant. Watch for his subtle movements and be ready to battle them.

Finally, be very aware that your patient is still claimed by the Enemy. There is nothing you can do to change that. It is not in our power to win him back. There are always plan to find a way to reclaim a vermin that the Enemy has taken, but for now, we cannot do it. The Enemy may have plans for this High Risk that we can’t anticipate.

Overall, your work is good. Don’t screw it up.

-Count Vicegrim

Image created by Cavin and used with permission

Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 9 Sabotage

The Count Vicegrim LettersThe Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 23nd Year


Stop telling me about the wedding. I know they are grotesque. I get it. The filthy vermin celebrating as two of them begin bonding. That insufferable bond. The Enemy really does unfairly handicap us by creating such an environment for exposing sin and learning to love. If he had any sense of fair play, he would not have created marriage.

What matters much more to me is what things you did at the wedding to start disintegrating relationships. The pressure is so intense on all parties that this is an opportunity to drive life-long wedges into relationships. Normally, it is more difficult with the couple getting married, but you can often build tensions into the relationship with each vermin’s in-laws.

Of course, because you didn’t write about this, I’m sure you didn’t take this opportunity. How typical of you!

On to your review.


Sometimes, even you trip over a good idea. You have begun to define what “in love” mean to your patient in a most helpful way.

You really have two options. You can define love in terms of only feelings. One is “in love” as being emotionally pleased with the other vermin. One is only “in love” when the feelings and desires are there. Once the feelings are gone, even for a moment, then one is “out of love.” The advantages of this are numerous. It is much easier to justify divorce with this definition of love. One of the great delights of being a tempter is to hear your patient say things like, “God would want me to be happy” as if divorce is the way to one’s happiness.

The other path is to describe love as a choice that is devoid of any feeling. “Love is an action” is often used to describe this. It speaks of love only in terms of commitment and honor. It is much harder to get these couples to divorce but the serious unhappiness they live in is nearly as good. It takes a special kind of denial to say that love does not need any feelings. Of course, the vermin are specially good at being in denial. The fact is, love is both commitment and feelings. It is both definitions at different times. That is why you need to convince your patient that it is either of them (we don’t particularly care which one) so that he will exclude the other one. Sometimes the miserably married Christian does almost as much good for us as the divorced one.

Your choice of having him define “in love” as exclusively a feeling is good. His personality lends itself to this error. Now your work must be to make sure he falls “out of love” as soon as possible. I noted that you mentioned he has a tendency toward depression in your last update. Why haven’t you mentioned this before!? No one is more out of love than a depressed man. More on this later.

One key to making him fall “out of love” is to exploit any native differences of personality between your patient and the female. Work so that both  feel that the differences are all because of bad intentions. With your patient’s existing selfish bent, make sure he is walking in the door and expecting her to care for him. If you can start with that, soon there will be a buffet of delights waiting for you. Moping, complaining, sexless marriage, depression, etc. The list is endless if you can make him wholly entitled to her time and attention.

I was pleased to hear how you have kept his mother as a closer confidante’ than his wife. This is great. Make sure that his wife knows of it and that she embittered by it. If you play this right, he can then be upset with his wife that he “has a good relationship with mom.” Never let him see that this is a sign that he does not trust his wife.


You have been writing me for this many years and have never once mentioned that your patient is prone to depression. Mudpot, I don’t need to ask for everything. You need to give me valuable information like this. We could have been exploiting this for many years now. I have instructed an associate of mine, Count Peacefail, to offer you some private tutoring on how to appropriate cause and manifest depression. He is one of the subtlest tempters I know with causing despair in the vermin.

I shall briefly review some of the material that Count Peacefail will teach.

The keys to despair are two-fold. First, you must convince your patient that a melancholy feeling is actually a sin in and of itself. As if sadness were wrong. This is obviously foolish because even the Enemy feels sadness and pain, but claims never to sin. This can add to the existing sadness when he is repenting of being sad at all. What is important about that is that he keeps staring inward into his soul and not looking outward at the Enemy. Additionally, he will be busy repenting for how he feels and not about the real cause of his despair (should that cause be sin).

The second key is to search for a cause for his sadness outside of himself. The key to maintaining despair is that he continue feeling that he is the victim of the sadness and has little to do with the cause. This is bolstered significantly if he has believed that sadness itself is a sin. As long as he is looking for who to blame for his despair, he will not look at his own soul to see if he is lacking trust in the Enemy.

What we must avoid, Mudpot, is that he will feel accepted by the Enemy in his despair? That is the path to the Enemy. If he feels accepted he will trust the Enemy and might pray and read the Enemy’s Book. He may find passages where other men and women were deeply distressed and the Enemy rescued them. He might seek real assistance from the church. He might avail himself of the graces that the Enemy provides.

So he must constantly feel that the Enemy is outraged at him. That way, he will always shy away from addressing the Enemy and seeking real help. I will let Peacefail address more specific strategies for your patient.

Overall, I am pleased with your progress this year. Together, we may be able to bring this dangerous patient down.

-Count Vicegrim

Image created by Cavin and used with permission

Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 7 Neutering the Clergy

The Count Vicegrim LettersThe Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 21st Year


Engaged! You let your patient become engaged and yet you have not gotten him to fornicate yet. What am I to do with you Mudpot!? This is a male college student in the Western world. ALL OF THEM FORNICATE…except yours. To be clear, almost all of them fornicate. How is it that millions of tempters are able to pull this off and you can’t? I’m not asking you to get him to renounce the Enemy!

You are an idiot.

I suppose I have to write your review now.

The Acceptable

I see you have further encouraged your patient’s ‘tolerance’. In fact, I even heard from another tempter how helpful your patient was by encouraging a friend to sin by saying, “God would want you to be happy.” This is my personal favorite excuse for sin. As if the sin we encourage will make them happy. Mudpot, you aren’t simply working our ends for your patient, but are making him an evangelist for the destruction of others. Good work.

Keep the tolerance coming. An important area to press this into is ‘religious tolerance’. In centuries past, this meant that the various religious groups didn’t declare war and kill each other. We have so changed it now that it means that tolerance means that one can’t even really believe their religious teaching. If one really looks at their religious text and believes it, that is now intolerant. The religion of the day is that all religions should be nice to each other and that no religion is really right.

Of course, no one really believes that. Not even the vermin. When someone is murdered, suddenly they all believe in right and wrong. When one of them steals from another, no one ever says that they simply have a religious preference about ownership. Like most of our teachings, this would be easy to disprove if the vermin didn’t want to believe it so badly.

His increasing isolation from other children of the Enemy is very helpful. Along with the notion of tolerance, we have added the idea that religious preferences are not just personal, but exclusively personal. So personal, in fact, that to mention them to others is rude. We have been able to drag more of the Enemy’s children out of the church with this than any other tool I can remember. The church, of course, is a place where beliefs are not personal but are subjected to being either true or false. Not a place we want to go.

Mudpot, you need to foster in him the very American belief that he can go it alone. That he needs nothing and no one. He can make up for himself men who did it by themselves without support and conquered their enemies. He needn’t consider that no man has ever done anything without help from others and no man has ever worked against us effectively without the Enemy’s Spirit. Let him believe that accepting help or correction is somehow weakness.

I love how you have gotten him so deeply convinced that the “forgiveness” of the Enemy’s Son is really just a chance for him to do whatever he wants. Fight any notion of guilt or remorse. The Enemy’s Spirit in him will be making him uncomfortable, it is your job to make him complacent. A few good statements to keep him saying are “nobody’s perfect” and “everybody makes mistakes”. These are so glorious for us because they recognize that there is a sin and the fail to do anything about it. I like to call those two statements the Conscience Killers. Use them often Mudpot.

The Totally Unacceptable

He is engaged and not fornicating. Some of the poorest tempters out there can pull this off Mudpot and you can’t. I don’t think you realize the harm this can do to us. If he can avoid fornicating before his marriage he will be much better prepared to avoid adultery after he is married. The patience he is learning will be a very dangerous tool in the Enemy’s hands. Get your patient fornicating!

Convince your patient that if he feels committed that he is “married in God’s eyes”. You see, the vermin really do mix up felt commitment with commitment. None of them would tell their pastor that they were just impatient so we need to equip him with a good excuse.

His plans to go to seminary have been moving forward. This is causing great concern in the Lowerarchy. It is doubtful that you will be able to persuade him to become a plumber, so I think you should focus your energies on getting him into one of our seminaries. You need to use ‘tolerance’ to its full potential now. Guide him to seminaries that are ‘open’ to ‘alternative lifestyles’. If he can come to believe that ‘acceptance’ is the same thing as Love, then we have him.

You see, acceptance is nice. There is no conflict with it. It makes one look enlightened and kind. Love, on the other hand, can often lead to conflict. To truly love someone, the vermin must press them toward the Enemy. This is not very ‘accepting’.

I have included a list of seminaries that will meet our needs. Make sure he gets into one of them. I have also included a copy of the book Neutering the Clergy by Lord Blackmist. It is the best work on how to handle this very dangerous group.

Finally, I would like to emphasize and important section from Neutering the Clergy. It is the five ‘Anything Buts’. If you can get your patient to go for anything but these, we have already won. They are:

Anything but the Enemy’s Book

Anything but Faith

Anything but Grace

Anything but the Enemy’s Son

Anything but the Enemy’s Glory

Work hard to take away these pillars of the Enemy. Review the ‘Anything Buts’ every day and hammer at them. There is hope to neuter him if you do this thoughtfully.

Not that you are good at doing anything thoughtfully.

Count Vicegrim

Image created by Cavin and used with permission

Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 6 Sex and Commitment

The Count Vicegrim LettersThe Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 20th Year


Sometimes I think you were invented by the Enemy as a punishment for me. You get my hopes up and dash them only to get them up again. To make it worse you are prone to taking risks. Sometimes they pay off Mudpot. Sometimes, there will be hell to pay.

Let’s explore your gambles this year.

Things That have Gone Well Enough

You have begun the slow spiral of pornography again. You are exhibiting much more patience this time which I commend you for. It is better to let the roots sink in slowly. You were too ambitious last time and I don’t need to remind you of what happened then.

You have done a masterful job of having him pick the path of spiritual birth at the expense of spiritual growth. Keep reminding him of forgiveness as if that is a license to keep offending the Enemy. You see Mudpot, it is very important that the vermin never learn that the path to joy is obedience.  If it ever became commonly known that it made one happy to obey the Enemy, we would be ruined. As it is, we have made obedience loathsome and in the process made the Enemy into the great despot in the sky.

One of the most important goals you will have is to suppress your patient’s conscience. He will always feel that twinge of remorse when he sins. The Enemy’s Spirit may take that tiny spark of guilt and grow it. It is your job to stamp it out. There are many potential ways to stamp out guilt, but I think the best one for your patient is to keep him very busy. I know it is strange to make the business argument because he seems to have time to sin, but not to obey the Enemy. Despite this, business has worked on Americans for centuries as an excuse so there is no reason to think it will stop now.

It is so delightful to see that he is doing good works and neglecting the Bible. Keep it up. Make sure the community he is in praises him often for his help of the poor. It is important to make good works an end in themselves. When they are connected with honoring the Enemy, that is when they become dangerous. We would love it if the whole of humanity was well fed, free from disease, kind to each other, and smiling as they marched sweetly into Hell. Charity work that does not bring the vermin to the Enemy is music in the Great Lord’s ears.

Areas of Concerns

I see you have gotten him dating. It is good to have him lusting after a female, but I see no mention of getting him to fornicate with her. Fornication is key, Mudpot. While a pornography problem is well and good, it needs to mature into even more helpful sins. 

Remember that the Enemy’s Plan is for a vermin male and female to follow the Enemy’s Son together. They then commit to each other and then only have sexual relations with each other until death. It is our job to derail this plan.

The first step is to convince the vermin that sex is a right. That somehow they have been robbed if they do not get to have sex. When this sense of entitlement is set firmly into the vermin heart, suddenly the Enemy is not providing them with a gift of sexual union. No! Now he is a Scrooge who sets limits on sexual union. Far from being grateful for a gift, they will grumble that they have to wait for it.

The next step is to separate sex from any sense of commitment. While you and I can see the connections that sex creates between the vermin, they can’t.  Many of them have not even known someone whose soul was not warped and scarred from many sexual unions. They think it is normal. If you are really good, you can convince them it is healthy. You need to work hard on your patient’s existing fear of commitment. Don’t allow him to think there might be joy for him in commitment. Push him to believing that marriage is a prison instead of a place where the Enemy can show him his sin and refine him.

The lack of commitment as well is good practice for future adultery. If a vermin male is having regular sexual relations with a female and then decides she doesn’t please him any more and leaves, he is setting a pattern that will hopefully last into a future marriage. Sometimes Mudpot, I wonder why the Enemy made them so stupid. Why would he even pretend to like them? Obviously they are nauseating creatures.

Finally and most importantly, make sure that sex has nothing to do with the Enemy. It is a private matter that doesn’t have any religious implications. Of course, your patient will never say that, but get him to believe it. One of the most helpful phrases to use is “Nobody will get hurt.” This is, of course, patently ridiculous. But the vermin believe it. Despite the devastation surrounding them, we have convinced almost all of them that somehow sex is a truly private matter.

WHEN (not if) you get him to fornicate, there are some important preparations you need to make. You will need to emphasize his fear of commitment even more. You see, that fear is what you will use to press him to accept an abortion should the vermin female becomes pregnant. If you can get him to be accepting of killing their child, she will be much easier to persuade.

Additionally, make sure that the sexual interaction are not based on serving or caring for the female, but about pleasuring him. The quickest way to remove the enjoyment of sex is to seek that enjoyment exclusively. We know that the fornication will set his up for a wonderful failure, but it will be even better if he is focused only on his own pleasure. The allows him to be the victim. He can then blame the female and the Enemy for his misery. It makes me giddy to think about it.

Another important reason to have him fornicating is your report that he is looking to going to seminary. I am very concerned about this turn of events. Some of the most dangerous vermin to us are in pulpits. Don’t forget that he is a High Risk patient. There are ways to sabotage him on his path to the pulpit, but I would be much more comfortable if he were becoming a plumber.

Let’s assume the worst which is that he will be going to a seminary that belongs to the Enemy and that he will be filling a pulpit in just a few years. In that case, we need to keep building a double life for him now. He needs to have a public life that looks good and a hidden life of sin. It will be little now, but today the seeds will be planted that could grow into delightful thorns.

The stakes are high, Mudpot. Even if he does grow into a dangerous servant of the Enemy, there is hope. If he becomes as prominent as we fear, how much more delightful if we can engineer a public fall from grace. There is the possibility of great reward or great punishment for you.

Don’t screw this up.

Count Vicegrim

Image created by Cavin and used with permission

Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 5 Responsible and Tolerant

The Count Vicegrim LettersThe Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 19th Year

Mudpot, I Hate You!

I really do. No sooner do you show some success and then you allow a failure like this. While you were taking short trips away to enjoy yourself, you left the Enemy’s Spirit unsupervised with your patient. Am I surprised? No. Am I angry? Yes, with the fire of Hell. You better get this turned around soon. By soon, I mean right now.

So, let us proceed with your review.

What Went At Least Sort of OK, Maybe

Unlike your previous failing year, there was some good done. Unfortunately, I am not in the mood to discuss it. So let’s just skip to your failures.

What Went So Badly I Could Vomit

First, how could you leave your assignment alone? Mudpot, it is your job to watch and carefully monitor your patient. This is a deadly serious business and you left your patient by himself with the Enemy’s Spirit. You are a weak tempter but I didn’t expect this kind of naivete. Don’t let it happen again. I have instructed Count Pageslip, the demon responsible for the patient’s University, to check on you frequently. If he finds anything not to his liking, he has free reign to… how shall I put it…correct the situation. Having known Count Pageslip for a long time, I would advise you to make sure everything is in order at all times.

As I understood your report, you left your patient and he met a female vermin who invited him to a Bible study at a local campus ministry. He went to the study and the Enemy’s Spirit woke him up there. By the time you returned several days later, he had moved out of the fraternity and was reading the Bible regularly. Wow, Mudpot, how many days were you gone?

We need to work with double effort to remedy this very dangerous situation. Don’t forget that he is still listed as high risk. If this one becomes a prominent servant of the Enemy, I will take this out of your hide!

First, get him to stop reading that Bible. For him, I think the most effective way to accomplish this is to have him trade Bible reading for something less threatening for us. Try to get him busy helping the poor or feeding the hungry. In his current state, we won’t be able to get him to stop by attacking directly. We need to drown out the Bible with other “good things.” As one of the their author’s says, the greatest enemy of the perfect is the good. The shortest path to destruction sometimes goes through the outskirts of heaven.

One gigantic advantage of “good deeds” as a way of drowning Bible reading is that the human ego is often stroked by praise for helping humans. It is very hard to convince a vermin looking into the Bible that he is great and wonderful. No, that vermin is far more likely to say that the Enemy is good and they they are sinners: exactly the opposite of what we want.

Second, I think it is time to press your patient into a romantic relationship. You will have difficulty getting him to abuse pornography right now (thought keep the temptation coming). Guide him to a girl who at least says she believes in the Enemy’s Son but has a history of fornication. The advantage this brings is that a real female is closer to the Enemy’s plan for him, but if he can be led to fornicate with her, she can bring him back to us. Just because he has stopped staring at the naked vermin does not mean that all of those years of looking haven’t caused him to have serious misconceptions about the vermin female.

You see, most of his education about sex has been from those magazines and websites. He will really believe that the females want sexual intercourse in all of those absurd positions. He will be surprised when the female is not interested in sex several times a day or that she really wants him to be her friend before he is her lover. You see, he views sex as being about his enjoyment and he is not aware that the path to that enjoyment is to serve her. None of those magazines or videos or images showed vermin males sacrificing and loving the females. No, they show the females giving them sex for nothing. Your patient can be lead to deep disillusionment and you can derail the work of the Enemy’s Spirit if you handle this right.

Third, as I instructed you last year to press that your patient should sin “Responsibly”, you should also now press him to be “Tolerant”. He is going to develop some deep convictions from the Enemy’s Spirit. You need to press him to ask if any such conviction it “tolerant”. You see, other vermin who are sinning will be offended at your patient’s view. Make sure that he feels that their offense means he is “intolerant”. We have made intolerance on college campuses to be almost on par with genocide. Everyone avoids the label and it would be very helpful if your patient also was skiddish about being intolerant. Many a dangerous vermin has been neutered by attempting to be tolerant.

For example, if he is tempted to talk about the Enemy’s Son to another vermin, make absolutely sure that the word “intolerant” is said by someone in the room. It makes me laugh because by definition, the person who says this is trying to silence your patient. Yet, is silencing someone “Tolerant”. Anyway, between keeping him “responsible” and “tolerant” you might be able to avoid the some difficult situations.

Finally, I am going to be making a site visit in the next few weeks. Get things in order or I will discipline you properly. You should be grateful to have a tempter of my caliber to help you.

I am not so lucky.

Count Vicegrim

Image created by Cavin and used with permission

Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 4 Fraternity Life

The Count Vicegrim LettersThe Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 18th Year


Considering your massive failure last year, I have to say you have bounced back well. Of course, nothing can truly make up for allowing your patient to become the Enemy’s, but you have done well under these difficult circumstances.

That said, let’s get on to your review!

Thing that Were Acceptable

It is quite good that you have gotten your patient into a fraternity. Chi Sigma Lambda serves our purposes beautifully. It is risky to have your patient in a fraternity that might get him in trouble legally as this would be difficult to hide from his parents and home church. This is wonderful, he can be constantly exposed to serious sins without risk of actual immediate harm to him.

When working with a patient in a fraternity, it is important to remember that the purpose of any group of vermin is to provide for the needs met by a church without having them in a church. Loneliness, meaninglessness, and the feeling that one must belong to something larger than oneself, all of these feelings can lead a patient into a church and then into the arms of our Enemy. A fraternity is an ideal counterfeit. It allows for community, purpose, and belonging all while ignoring any substantive parts of those feelings. It is always so delightful to have these men give a hamburger to a poor man, then feel righteous before the Enemy, then go and fornicate.

Be careful to keep your patient busy with video games, pornography, and parties. He needs to be so full of activity that he can ignore the empty feeling in his soul. The Enemy’s Spirit is still there and he is crafty. He can take advantage of the slightest misstep. Be careful.

Didn’t I tell you that the World Religions class was wonderful? Can you believe that those vermin think they are more “thoughtful” and “well-rounded” after hearing that? I have some vacation coming up and I might just have to attend one of those lectures. It would be good for my heart to see them launch themselves into our abyss. The only thing better than a vermin going into Hell is a vermin who smiles as they go!

Finally, I want to say that it was a work of art to see you hold back on sexual temptation for four months. I wondered if you waited too long. But then you hit him so hard that he fell so profoundly back into his love of those naked vermin. You did well. He did what we hoped he would. He was so disoriented by the sudden force of temptation, he doubts whether there is a God. Keep the temptation strong. It is no use to let up now. Keep it coming.

Things that Need Improvement

The Enemy may be a liar, but he was right to say “Pride goes before a fall.” You are way too cocky. You act as though you have won. Not only have you not won, but you have lost his soul. Yes, there are victories to be had, but the most important battle has been lost.

You underestimate how very sneaky the Enemy’s Spirit is. Many a demon has thought they have won only to have that vile Spirit flip everything on it’s head. Some of our most dedicated servants have been turned into some of his most dedicated warriors. Remember the Apostles Paul and John Newton. Their demons were too busy celebrating to see what the Enemy’s Spirit was doing right under their noses. Don’t let your guard down!

I want to equip you with one of the key words for covering up sin. Responsible! We want to promote drunkeness, so we tell them to “Drink Responsibly.” We want them to fornicate, we tell them to responsibly have “Safe Sex.” We want them to murder their babies, we tell them it is “the responsible thing to do.” Surely a baby would rather be murdered than to be poor as a child. Mudpot, make “Resposibility” your refrain. Every time the Enemy’s Spirit is resisting you, try to figure our how to make the sin, “Responsible.”

Overall, this year has been a better one. You have still failed miserably, but this year does some good in redeeming you in my eyes. Keep up your work. Don’t be overeager. The path of destruction is a slow one. Be patient as you walk him down it.

Doubting you always,

-Count Vicegrim

Image created by Cavin and used with permission

Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 3 Failure!

The Count Vicegrim LettersThe Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 17th Year

You Idiot,

I am walking to my office this morning. I was looking forward to your Annual Report as all of your quarterly reports have been encouraging. Who should be waiting by my door but Lord Foulgrin. He shoves a copy of the Demonic Times right in my face and screams at me for the better part of an hour. There you are, right on the front page! You seem to have failed to mention that your patient has been turned to the Enemy!!!

How could you have let this happen? You imbecile! My voicemail is piling up with several Lords (and a High Lord) demanding an explanation from me as to how I let you let this happen. Of course I have explained that this is entirely your fault and that I would remedy the situation. I have checked with the Office of Skilled Tempters and they still have no openings to transfer anyone to your patient. Among all the terrible facts that have come to light today, the most frustrating is that I will have to continue to work with you!

With our working relationship clarified, on to your annual review.

What has Gone Well

Not a single, solitary, sliver of it.

What has Gone so Very, Very Wrong

Oh, where to begin? For starters, you did not keep your patient away from that neighbor. I told you he was dangerous. As I understand, he was the one who led your patient to the Enemy’s Son. I have already escalated the neighbor to a higher risk level and maybe his death can be arranged.

This is the sort of thing that happens when you try to tempt too much too fast. There is always that delicate balance of keeping the spiral of misery going, but not so fast that the patient feels the need to seek any help. And of course, where does he seek help. That’s right, from the person who can actually offer it. A more skilled tempter would have gotten him help from somewhere else, anywhere else. If he just had to confess his sins to someone, why not to someone who couldn’t help him? Mudpot, what a mess!

You know that place where you reach to touch your patient’s soul and you find the Enemy’s Spirit there. That disgusting vile Spirit resting there. Quietly, looking at you. Knowing you. Yes, Mudpot, one of my only comforts in all this is how miserable you will be for years to come having to be so close to that Spirit. It’s your fault and it pleases me that you will suffer. It gives me shivers to even think of being so close to…him.

But let’s not dwell on everything else that went wrong. I wish to take a pound of flesh off of you but the Demonic Lord’s want to hear what I am doing about this and I need to give them something concrete. Mudpot, follow this plan to the letter.

The Plan

First, we need to work on splitting the “gospel” into its parts. You see, your patient will have a good feel for it right now and we need to damage that. I think for your patient, the best path will be to separate his spiritual growth (good works) from his spiritual birth (salvation) .

You see, most vermin have a hard time keeping both in mind. There is a faction that acts as if the birth is all important and that there is no need for growth (I am using their terminology so that you will have it at the ready). There is another faction that thinks that the spiritual birth is just a way of getting to spiritual growth.

The power of the Enemy’s Plan is that it uses the removal of sins as the fuel for the ongoing spiritual growth. The vermin need to keep both in mind. That, Mudpot, is one of our Enemy’s chief weaknesses. The vermin are terrible at keeping both in mind.

So let’s say you choose to keep that spiritual birth as important and not the spiritual growth. Then, if you play him right, your patient will eventually feel like his behavior doesn’t matter. He can be led to believe that all that matters is that he gets to Heaven and nothing on Earth really matters. This can lead to a truly neutered child of the Enemy. He will be the Enemy’s while essentially acting like one of ours.

But suppose you choose the other path. Then you will emphasize spiritual growth to the point that your patient thinks that they need to keep being “good” to keep their ticket to Heaven. Now you and I know that once the Enemy’s Spirit is in someone they certainly don’t go to Hell but the vermin don’t know that. The goal then is to pile on rules and requirements. Bury your patient in guilt. Help them to keep questioning how the Enemy views them. Many a High Risk has been neutered with a guilty conscience.

Either path is fine but it is key that your patient does NOT hang onto both truths. That is deadly for us. So select which part to emphasize well.

Your report indicates that your patient has selected a local University. While this one was on the recommended list, it was near the bottom. Another failure Mudpot. That is not to say that this University isn’t workable for us. I am sending a list of recommended courses for this upcoming Semester. Get him in these classes. In particular, get him in the World Religions class with Dr. Frederick. He is one of our strongest allies in that school and he will make sure to carefully explain why the Enemy is simply another myth. I attended a lecture of his once and laughed so hard as he repeatedly mocked the truth. It really will brighten your day Mudpot, to attend his lectures. You WILL get your patient in that class.

As far as his sexual temptations. It is fruitless to push too hard right now on temptation as he will then turn to the Enemy Spirit inside him for help. Now is a time to push his self-righteousness. Give him a month or two of reduced temptation sexually. Convince him that it will never be a struggle again. Better yet, get him to make overly simplistic and judgmental statements about how real believers don’t struggle like that.

What you are trying to do is lay the groundwork for his later disillusionment. He has to believe that a true believer doesn’t have to fight hard. Once he believes that, then make him fight hard. He will then logically conclude that he must not be a true believer. At least he will doubt that he has the Enemy’s Spirit. The goal now is to blunt the work of the Enemy’s Spirit.

While this is a profound failure Mudpot and, if I had my way, you would be off this case. There is hope here. We cannot get his soul now but we can profoundly discredit the Enemy’s Son. The stakes are high Mudpot. If you let this High Risk grow and become a threat to the Great Lord, I promise you that I will personally drive a stake through your chest!

With Affection,

Count Vicegrim

Image created by Cavin and used with permission

Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 2 The Slow Spiral


The Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 16th Year

My Dearest Mudpot,

What a year this has been? Your success with the patient has been so thorough that even I am getting the attention of the High Lords. The Great Lord himself asked me about your progress and looked pleased at my report. If you were here, I’m sure they would speak with you as well, but I am willing to carry this burden for you in your absence. Someone has to go to parties around here.

No reason to beat around the vermin, let’s dig into your review.

The Better than Average

You have a real knack for arranging sexual deviance. How you have him looking at pornography daily and still his parents don’t suspect. it is simply a work of art. Vermin are so stupid. They are no smarter than the dirt they were made from. I must say I am envious of you being there to see him longing for those images every moment he doesn’t have them and then racing to every opportunity to look at them. You are doing a masterful job of slowly allowing sexual pleasure to prevent enjoyment of all other pleasures.

It is wise of you to avoid real sexual encounters for this patient yet. He can live under the illusion of “purity” because he has not exchanged human slime with a female. If you play your cards right, he could even have a sense of self-righteousness about his sexual restraint! In addition, this allows you to continue define sex by what he is looking at in those pictures. The more he separates sexuality from any real living vermin, the better.

One of the purposes of the sexuality of the vermin is to bond them to their “spouse.” We have a big advantage if we can use that process to bond them to images, then to fantasies, and finally get them hopelessly bonded to things that don’t exist. Let your imagination run wild for a moment, Mudpot. One day, if you do this right, your patient will long day and night for some sexual fantasy that can never be fulfilled. That is the sort of times a demon can really enjoy.

You have done quite well with his church attendance. As I did more research on his church I became concerned that the preaching might lead him to the Enemy’s Son. You can imagine my pleasure at reading how tuned out he is during the sermons. It really is amazing how those filthy creatures are able to hear words that would rescue them from us and they entirely ignore them. Despite your success, be vigilant. This is a area of concern.

I’m glad you were able to direct the patient to his father’s pornography supply in the home. This is an invaluable asset. Now, should his father discover what the patient is doing, he will have no credibility to correct it. It is also so helpful that the father hides it from the mother. That way we can be sure that he will be very uncomfortable talking about it with her as well. This is real teamwork between you and their demons.

Finally, the way you have fostered a sense of superiority in him is simply stunning. Our goal is always to bury them in shame and guilt or to make the feel superior to others, above the rules. Our preference is always to have them above the rules as this discourages them from ever seeking forgiveness (which the Enemy claims to offer).

Some Areas for Improvement

You are too cavalier about his association with that neighbor vermin. We have been working on the neighbor for years and have made only minimal inroads. That man is not to be underestimated. Keep you patient away from him. We have begun efforts to have that man hit by a car, but with no results. Be careful!

Your report indicates that you wish to be more eclectic in your temptations. I know it can be boring to keep hammering away at his sexuality at the expense of other delightful ways to play with him. Remember, the goal is always to keep the vermin away from the Enemy’s son! As much as it might feel like you are on offense, we must always work with the weaknesses the human presents to us. Consider it this way, after years of diminishing enjoyment of sexual pleasure, your patient can be brought to desperation. Then a whole buffet of delight is open to you. Think of the depression, anxiety, decimated relationships, and poverty. These, my dear Mudpot, can be yours. But only if you continue to capitalize on the weaknesses your patient actually has.

I know the temptation to wish you had a patient with certain weaknesses. I too miss a good flogging and a burning at the stake. The brutality of past days is sorely missing from these Western humans. Really, the only reliable place to find it in high concentrations today is in their abortion clinics. I promise you that if you press this weakness to it’s fullest potential, it will be worth your waiting. So for your patient, keep working with his weaknesses toward self-righteousness and sexual sins.

I am growing tired of your whining about the vigilance of the patient’s mother. If she is the worst difficulty you have, then you have been blessed by the Great Lord. Stop thinking in terms of how closely she watches and work this to your advantage. Work on your patient’s ego so that he does not see this as loving, but controlling. Try to have him make up some evil motive for this behavior. You are complaining to me and missing this opportunity.

One thing you need to start preparing for is this vermin’s college plans. I have compiled a list of the most favorable colleges. For your patient we will need to be careful that the college is respectable to pacify his parents but to also make sure that there is teaching that will make believing in the Enemy to look simplistic and stupid. Finally, there needs to be enough of a “party scene” to pull your patient in, but not so much that his parents might hear that reputation. If possible, try to get your vermin into one of the top four listed, they are the best for our purposes. The top listed college is ideal because it has Christian in the name and will serve our purposes and will leave your patient buried in debt by the time he finishes. A win in every respect!

Overall, this was a better than satisfactory year. Your patient is beginning a slow spiral that could end very well for us.

Your Affectionate Supervisor,

Count Vicegrim

Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 1 Transferred

The Count Vicegrim LettersThe Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 15th Year


I would like to congratulate you on your transfer to my department and coming under my superior leadership. Few are privileged to be shown the path of darkness by one as accomplished as I am. You must feel so honored.

A little about me. I have a long and stunning history of outstanding tempting accomplishments. With this letter, I am including a copy of my autobiography, To Hell and Back Again: A Tempter’s Story. I expect you to read it immediately and follow my fine example. In my story you will find a recurring theme that I would like to remind you of. Keep the vermin away from the Enemy’s son. Do not allow them to talk about, consider, or even think of the son. Sometimes such conversation can be managed. More often, it ends in disaster!

Before moving on, I would like to review why you were transferred to me. It was rather sudden, though looking at the severity of the risk, this transfer wasn’t a moment too soon. It seems that your patient, a sixteen year old vermin male, has been labelled as High Risk by the Enemy Reconnaissance Unit.

Normally, when a new High Risk is found, the previous tempter is taken off the case and a more experienced tempter is found. Unfortunately, all of the best demons are tied up with other cases right now, so we will have to make do with you. Don’t be alarmed, I will walk you through this and I promise that no matter how this goes, I will be fine.

One asset you do bring is that you have been with the patient since birth. You know his history well. I would like you to prepare a thorough report of his history and send that to me at your convenience (by that, I mean I expect it on my desk tomorrow). We cannot let another High Risk loose on the world. Ever since the Ravi Zacharias disaster, the lowerarchy has been very keen on High Risks being managed.

Don’t be too alarmed that the ERU has listed your patient as high risk. Keep in mind that they only identified two of thirteen Apostles and failed to identify Martin Luther, John Newton (who was listed as extremely quite very low risk), Charles Spurgeon, and Billy Graham. Of course they will make excuses about how difficult the prediction process is and how wily the Enemy is. Those scouts (don’t tell them I called them that) couldn’t tell a kitten from a lion.

To be clear, you should be concerned. Your patient has one of the highest risk scores I have ever seen. The scouts sure think that he is a problem that needs to be dealt with. You may not know that there are certain incentives to being the tempter for a High Risk patient. If you succeed, you will be handsomely rewarded. Should you fail, well, I’m sure you can imagine the unpleasant consequences of that. So let’s get down to business.

I read over your annual report and I would rate your tempting as marginal.

What You Did that Was At Least Average

You have done a passable job of getting your patient away from some of the riskiest influences. Getting him heavily involved in sports was helpful as well. I have good intelligence from his coach’s tempter. He does a quite a job of both getting performance and dehumanizing all at the same time. Nothing cements a good vice like winning a football game with it (why do those vermin like football so much!).

It was very nearly thoughtful of you to arrange for your patient to mix with a crowd that vocally dislike church. It is so important to present church services as boring and useless. The only thing better than a vermin outside a church is a vermin who is in a church and hates it. I could sense your satisfaction as he sat not listening several Sundays in a row. This is risky and requires subtlety, but more on that later.

While it was tardy of you to not introduce pornography to him until this year, it is good that you have gotten it in. I don’t want to hear your excuses about the patient’s mother. It is your job to get those images into this home. As it is, you say he is being left home alone more often. Make sure this keeps happening. These are key to shape his sexuality (vermin sexuality makes me want to vomit!). Be careful that he is not found out. It could be disastrous if his parents knew.

Now for a few things that did not go so well.

Your Screwups!

Why did it take so long for you to get this vermin grub exposed to pornography?! We need to take the initiative on this and be the ones teaching about sexuality not waiting for him to hear something in church!!! As it is, he may have ingested some of the Enemy’s teaching. You have blown a very important opportunity by waiting this long.

But with that failure, don’t be too aggressive to make up for it. You must slowly and gently teach him how to look and enjoy this while not getting caught. It is key that he becomes good at deception. You don’t want so much exposure that his conscience overcomes his desire for those images (the human form is so disgusting, I’m glad you have to look at it and not me!). As it is, this can be the seeds of a double-life which I’m sure you can see can be endlessly enjoyable…for us!

Your report indicated that you are trying to get the boy to quit church. DO NOT TRY TO GET THAT BOY OUT OF CHURCH!!! It may seem counterintuative but it is key that you do not alert his family or local church leaders that he is drifting from them. They need to believe that everything he is experiencing is “normal” and that “things are OK.” If they ever suspected that he holds church in the contempt that he does, then they might act to help him. He must stay in church and be bored of it. Church needs to be irrelevant. It is your responsibility to make it that way.

You suggested encouraging a sexual relationship with a new love interest. Because he is in a more conservative family, deal carefully with having sex with another vermin. It can both serve us and work against us. It might alert his family of how far he is drifting if they discover it. It also could deeply root the double life we want in him. Be cautious and look for a good opportunity. Your report didn’t clarify if the parents are cautious with his dating. Clarify it NOW!

Do This or Else!

I am sending a copy of the book Tempting the Modern Human with Sexuality (5th Edition) by the Lord Screwtape. I expect you to read it cover to cover and to follow the plan inside to the letter. Lord Screwtape is a moron, but he can write a good book. For a young vermin like your patient, a quiet sexual perversion is often the way to neutralize him. Read that book and write me immediately upon completion.

Work closely with the demons of his parents and church leaders to make sure they do not see how far he is drifting. Set a strong sense of what is the patient’s private business with the whole family. Work with your patient so that he has practiced that excuse for his behavior so that he can use it at need. “Give me some privacy.” “Stop invading my space.” “I can handle this.” “Why can’t you just trust me with this?” All of these lines are good ones to through adults off his trail. Make sure he is ready for their rude questions.

Remember that none of this matters if you don’t keep away the Enemy’s Son. Remember the maxim, Anything that is not for the Enemy is for usThe more powerful the pleasure they love without the Enemy in mind, the better they will squirm under our thumbs. It is key that the Enemy’s stated feelings for them are never made clear. It is OK for them to say, “Jesus loves me” as long as they don’t really believe it. It is your job to keep your patient from believing.

You are a failure waiting to happen, but maybe I can make something of you.

Count Vicegrim

Image created by Cavin and used with permission