Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 5 Responsible and Tolerant

The Count Vicegrim LettersThe Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 19th Year

Mudpot, I Hate You!

I really do. No sooner do you show some success and then you allow a failure like this. While you were taking short trips away to enjoy yourself, you left the Enemy’s Spirit unsupervised with your patient. Am I surprised? No. Am I angry? Yes, with the fire of Hell. You better get this turned around soon. By soon, I mean right now.

So, let us proceed with your review.

What Went At Least Sort of OK, Maybe

Unlike your previous failing year, there was some good done. Unfortunately, I am not in the mood to discuss it. So let’s just skip to your failures.

What Went So Badly I Could Vomit

First, how could you leave your assignment alone? Mudpot, it is your job to watch and carefully monitor your patient. This is a deadly serious business and you left your patient by himself with the Enemy’s Spirit. You are a weak tempter but I didn’t expect this kind of naivete. Don’t let it happen again. I have instructed Count Pageslip, the demon responsible for the patient’s University, to check on you frequently. If he finds anything not to his liking, he has free reign to… how shall I put it…correct the situation. Having known Count Pageslip for a long time, I would advise you to make sure everything is in order at all times.

As I understood your report, you left your patient and he met a female vermin who invited him to a Bible study at a local campus ministry. He went to the study and the Enemy’s Spirit woke him up there. By the time you returned several days later, he had moved out of the fraternity and was reading the Bible regularly. Wow, Mudpot, how many days were you gone?

We need to work with double effort to remedy this very dangerous situation. Don’t forget that he is still listed as high risk. If this one becomes a prominent servant of the Enemy, I will take this out of your hide!

First, get him to stop reading that Bible. For him, I think the most effective way to accomplish this is to have him trade Bible reading for something less threatening for us. Try to get him busy helping the poor or feeding the hungry. In his current state, we won’t be able to get him to stop by attacking directly. We need to drown out the Bible with other “good things.” As one of the their author’s says, the greatest enemy of the perfect is the good. The shortest path to destruction sometimes goes through the outskirts of heaven.

One gigantic advantage of “good deeds” as a way of drowning Bible reading is that the human ego is often stroked by praise for helping humans. It is very hard to convince a vermin looking into the Bible that he is great and wonderful. No, that vermin is far more likely to say that the Enemy is good and they they are sinners: exactly the opposite of what we want.

Second, I think it is time to press your patient into a romantic relationship. You will have difficulty getting him to abuse pornography right now (thought keep the temptation coming). Guide him to a girl who at least says she believes in the Enemy’s Son but has a history of fornication. The advantage this brings is that a real female is closer to the Enemy’s plan for him, but if he can be led to fornicate with her, she can bring him back to us. Just because he has stopped staring at the naked vermin does not mean that all of those years of looking haven’t caused him to have serious misconceptions about the vermin female.

You see, most of his education about sex has been from those magazines and websites. He will really believe that the females want sexual intercourse in all of those absurd positions. He will be surprised when the female is not interested in sex several times a day or that she really wants him to be her friend before he is her lover. You see, he views sex as being about his enjoyment and he is not aware that the path to that enjoyment is to serve her. None of those magazines or videos or images showed vermin males sacrificing and loving the females. No, they show the females giving them sex for nothing. Your patient can be lead to deep disillusionment and you can derail the work of the Enemy’s Spirit if you handle this right.

Third, as I instructed you last year to press that your patient should sin “Responsibly”, you should also now press him to be “Tolerant”. He is going to develop some deep convictions from the Enemy’s Spirit. You need to press him to ask if any such conviction it “tolerant”. You see, other vermin who are sinning will be offended at your patient’s view. Make sure that he feels that their offense means he is “intolerant”. We have made intolerance on college campuses to be almost on par with genocide. Everyone avoids the label and it would be very helpful if your patient also was skiddish about being intolerant. Many a dangerous vermin has been neutered by attempting to be tolerant.

For example, if he is tempted to talk about the Enemy’s Son to another vermin, make absolutely sure that the word “intolerant” is said by someone in the room. It makes me laugh because by definition, the person who says this is trying to silence your patient. Yet, is silencing someone “Tolerant”. Anyway, between keeping him “responsible” and “tolerant” you might be able to avoid the some difficult situations.

Finally, I am going to be making a site visit in the next few weeks. Get things in order or I will discipline you properly. You should be grateful to have a tempter of my caliber to help you.

I am not so lucky.

Count Vicegrim

Image created by Cavin and used with permission

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Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 4 Fraternity Life

The Count Vicegrim LettersThe Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 18th Year

Mudpot,

Considering your massive failure last year, I have to say you have bounced back well. Of course, nothing can truly make up for allowing your patient to become the Enemy’s, but you have done well under these difficult circumstances.

That said, let’s get on to your review!

Thing that Were Acceptable

It is quite good that you have gotten your patient into a fraternity. Chi Sigma Lambda serves our purposes beautifully. It is risky to have your patient in a fraternity that might get him in trouble legally as this would be difficult to hide from his parents and home church. This is wonderful, he can be constantly exposed to serious sins without risk of actual immediate harm to him.

When working with a patient in a fraternity, it is important to remember that the purpose of any group of vermin is to provide for the needs met by a church without having them in a church. Loneliness, meaninglessness, and the feeling that one must belong to something larger than oneself, all of these feelings can lead a patient into a church and then into the arms of our Enemy. A fraternity is an ideal counterfeit. It allows for community, purpose, and belonging all while ignoring any substantive parts of those feelings. It is always so delightful to have these men give a hamburger to a poor man, then feel righteous before the Enemy, then go and fornicate.

Be careful to keep your patient busy with video games, pornography, and parties. He needs to be so full of activity that he can ignore the empty feeling in his soul. The Enemy’s Spirit is still there and he is crafty. He can take advantage of the slightest misstep. Be careful.

Didn’t I tell you that the World Religions class was wonderful? Can you believe that those vermin think they are more “thoughtful” and “well-rounded” after hearing that? I have some vacation coming up and I might just have to attend one of those lectures. It would be good for my heart to see them launch themselves into our abyss. The only thing better than a vermin going into Hell is a vermin who smiles as they go!

Finally, I want to say that it was a work of art to see you hold back on sexual temptation for four months. I wondered if you waited too long. But then you hit him so hard that he fell so profoundly back into his love of those naked vermin. You did well. He did what we hoped he would. He was so disoriented by the sudden force of temptation, he doubts whether there is a God. Keep the temptation strong. It is no use to let up now. Keep it coming.

Things that Need Improvement

The Enemy may be a liar, but he was right to say “Pride goes before a fall.” You are way too cocky. You act as though you have won. Not only have you not won, but you have lost his soul. Yes, there are victories to be had, but the most important battle has been lost.

You underestimate how very sneaky the Enemy’s Spirit is. Many a demon has thought they have won only to have that vile Spirit flip everything on it’s head. Some of our most dedicated servants have been turned into some of his most dedicated warriors. Remember the Apostles Paul and John Newton. Their demons were too busy celebrating to see what the Enemy’s Spirit was doing right under their noses. Don’t let your guard down!

I want to equip you with one of the key words for covering up sin. Responsible! We want to promote drunkeness, so we tell them to “Drink Responsibly.” We want them to fornicate, we tell them to responsibly have “Safe Sex.” We want them to murder their babies, we tell them it is “the responsible thing to do.” Surely a baby would rather be murdered than to be poor as a child. Mudpot, make “Resposibility” your refrain. Every time the Enemy’s Spirit is resisting you, try to figure our how to make the sin, “Responsible.”

Overall, this year has been a better one. You have still failed miserably, but this year does some good in redeeming you in my eyes. Keep up your work. Don’t be overeager. The path of destruction is a slow one. Be patient as you walk him down it.

Doubting you always,

-Count Vicegrim

Image created by Cavin and used with permission